I need to grow some B-A-L-L-S

As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.
~Zachary Scott

***

No pun intended but I really need to start growing some balls. I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy the other day and I can’t help but relate to Miranda Bailey’s character. Like her character, I’m short and I can’t help but feel socially handicapped by it. There’s one line in particular in that episode that stuck to me: “God made you have that height but He did not make you quiet.” Chief Webber was right. Although he is just some character from a tv show, his words couldn’t help but jostle me back to reality.

I always tell or rather joke to people that I know I’m shy person. People who know me well would beg to differ. However, people who know me less would agree. There are so many factors which I want to blame this meekness on such as my inability as an immigrant to integrate fully into my “new” surrounding. It’s been seven years since I’ve left the Philippines and yet, I feel as if I am stuck in this in-between zone between the old and the new.

I was 15 yrs old when my family immigrated to Canada. I was already a Holden Caufield trying to figure a way out of adolescence and into adulthood, and the immigration was this raging bullet that came out of nowhere, penetrated hard and left an ugly scar for years to come.

It’s been seven years and I’m still stuck in this in-between zone trying to figure out my identity. It’s holding me back from moving forward and most especially from reaching my full capability. I know I can do more. It sucks to have the ability of knowing that you can do more and yet you’re stuck doing less than what you’re really capable of doing and achieving.

It’s a double-edge sword. It is my double-edge sword. However, it is not my Catch-22 and maybe, just maybe, there’s still hope for me.

 That is all.

Adieu.

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger… Or so they say…

You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O’Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth, BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. You wake up at Air Harbor International. If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
~Chuck Palahniuk, Fightclub

Insomnia sucks. I just woke up from an unrefreshed sleep lacking of godly dream and complete with a heckload of tossing and turning. Four hours of misery spent waiting for Morpheus to come visit me and when he finally comes, he gives me the kind of sleep that would turn anyone into a future cough-syrup addict. (more…)

"In the Yellow Light"

There comes a point in our lives when we suddenly feel undecided. Left and right seems to be the same. We become trapped in a never-ending loop hole of indecisions. As we grow older, we are taught that wisdom comes with age. However, we are not taught that with bountiful of wisdom comes a tower of indecisions. A moment of crisis arise from these anxieties. Heck, it is why people undergo quarter and mid-life crises.
(more…)

Revolutions, the Biggest Overstatement of Philippine Politics

“A viable civil society can mitigate conflicts and impose quality of citizenship without relying exclusively on the privatism of the marketplace.”
~ Philippe Schmitter and Terry Lynn Karl, What is democracy is and… is not

 ***

So I was watching History Channel’s documentary on the French Revolution last night on Youtube, and this professor suddenly said, “Marie Antoinette was like the Imelda Marcos of her time.” I chuckled right off the bat. It was a comment only the nerdiest of people would laugh at, which needless to say includes me. 

That comment suddenly placed me in a nostlagic state: I remembered the good ‘ol days as a kid, hearing about so much hype about the “People Power” revolution in the Philippines during the late 80s. Of course, when you’re a kid you don’t necessarily have an in-depth understanding of such political matter. I placed People Power in quotation because the word People doesn’t really represent the plurality of the Philippine Masses. For one thing, the country itself (more…)

Coming of Age: the Making of the Self in University

Opposition people kept coming to me “You have to watch counting on polling station this station! There things are really bad.”  Another said “No, you need to go to this other station! Things are worse there.” Another woman, a Yushchenko supporter, called me on my cell phone, “Come right away to my station!” She was crying. I nearly broke down myself.  This was probably the most difficult time in my observation. I could not decide where I should go.  The opposition often exaggerates.  So it is hard to judge.  Finally, I decided to go to the station where the woman was crying.
~Professor Lucan Way, “Observations in Ukraine: November 2004- Confronting Electoral Fraud”

  ***

Last September, I decided to finally pick another major. Among the choices I had (History, Global East Asia Studies, International Development Studies and Political Science), I picked Political Science as the Major to go with my English Literature Specialist Degree (Minor -> Major -> Specialist; just meant you’ve taken twice as much difficult courses as you move along the hierarchy). Of couse, I was hesitant at first. I mean, for four consecutive semesters, I’ve indulged myself with nothing but Pre-1900 and Modern Literature courses. It was a four well-fed semester and it turned me into a fat kid. (more…)